


The Dead do not mind the Living

by AngelTrawler (BlackBunny)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, F/M, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 17:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3297764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackBunny/pseuds/AngelTrawler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a reason Bucky won't move into the Tower.<br/>Steve believes it's because of Tony and he is right...kind of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dead do not mind the Living

The Dead do not mind the Living

 

Bucky knows what he is, what he has done (most of it anyway), because he starts remembering bits and piece. He’s been on his own for months, now, and whenever he remembers something, writes it down.

 

First, he had just wanted to find out who he is, but once the memories came back, however slowly, he needed to go back.

To all the places where the Wintersoldier had killed people. He needed to go back there and be sure to remember any detail, not matter how insignificant, because…

 

Because the urge to punish himself by relieving something he couldn’t change, is too great. Bucky’s been a prisoner for decades, but his conscience is screaming at him to give himself up to the authorities, to atone for his sins.

 

The thought alone nearly makes him break down in tears. He would rather be dead than locked up again.

At the same time, the guilt is eating him up inside.

How could he have let himself be manipulated so easily? Why had he never asked questions about his “missions”?

 

That he also remembers the torture and experiments they’d put him through doesn’t really help.

 

When the Black Widow finds him, he’s not actually scared. It had been a bad day and he’d been contemplating ending it for the last 4 hours.

 

She’s armed, of course, and he looks at her gun with a kind of longing so strong it must have shown on his face.

She doesn’t kill him.

 

“Your death won’t bring any of them back,” she starts as she lowers her weapon. “You have a lot to make up for and you owe it to everyone you hurt to do good in this world.”

 

Her words are hard, but her eyes show a softness he is not expecting from a woman like her.

It reaches something in him, but he’s still not ready to go back to Steve and he tells her as much.

 

“I won’t make you, but I’d like to stay.” The readhead says.

 

He can live with that…

 

 

****************

 

“Come on, Bucky,” his best friend is pleading, blue eyes in full-on puppy mode and he nearly caves in. “The other’s are completely fine with you moving in. You’ve been working with us so often, you’ve officially been an Avenger since November.”

 

“I get that, but I still don’t want to move in with you.” The dark haired man rolls his eyes and continues his light jog, next to Steve. They’re running in Central Park every Tuesday, excluding any super-villainy days.

 

“Why not? Natasha, said you guys were thinking about getting a place together? You can share a floor.” The blond insisted.

 

“No. I will not be living under one roof with Barton, Maximoff and a psychotic Demigod visiting his adoptive-brother at all hours of the day and night. Not to mention the things I walked in on that you and Stark have been doing.” Bucky hisses in annoyance.

 

At that Steve smirks, even though it’s not without a little blush.

“Aww…come on, it wasn’t that bad. It’s not as if that never happened to you and Natasha, right?!”

 

Now it’s Bucky’s turn to smirk. “Do you actually think if anyone ever walked in on me and Nat, there’s any chance they’d live to talk about it?”

 

“Okay, bad example.” And now his best friend gets this sad look on his face, that Bucky just hates. Especially because he knows it’s his fault and nothing he can say will change their situation.

“Is it because you don’t like Tony?” The taller man asks quietly.

 

There’s nothing he can say that won’t make it worse, but he still has to try.

“No, that’s not the reason and I do like him. He’s good for you.”

 

“Then what is your problem with him?” Now, Steve’s getting pissed again and he can’t really blame him. Bucky has been avoiding the dark haired billionaire from the moment he’d started working with the team. He’s got no excuse any of them would believe and the truth is too terrible to even be considered.

“I don’t have a problem with him.” He snaps right back, becoming defensive. “I just don’t think, hanging out with a guy whose parents ‘accident’ I’ve caused will be comfortable for either of us.”

 

“And I already told you, he doesn’t blame you!” Now, they’re shouting at each other and it’s not the first time they’ve had this argument, but never before in public.

“Tony knows, it wasn’t your fault, he’s forgiven you and I know he told you this himself, too.”

 

“So what? They’re still dead. I caused that car to crash and nothing will change that!”

 

“You weren’t yourself.” Steve says caught between anger and sadness and Bucky feels like a heel.

His best friend is worried about him and he’s lying to him, but the alternative is just worse.

 

Bucky takes a deep breath. “Look, I understand. You want us all to be together in that tower, so that we can be a family and that sounds nice, but I can’t take that okay.”

 

He gripping Steve’s shoulder as he says this, trying to emphasize his point: “I know, you love Tony and that’s good. He’s a good guy and I’m happy for you, but when I look at him, I still just see what happened that day. He’s forgiven me, but I’m not ready, don’t know if I’ll ever be. So please, I’m begging you here, please let this go?!”

 

The blond nods and then they’re hugging.

 

Steve doesn’t ask again.

 

 

************

 

 

Bucky’s been standing on the rooftop of his apartment building for around an hour, when Nat comes to him.

She embraces him from behind and doesn’t speak for some time, just lets him think a bit longer.

 

The sun is already setting and normally she should be at the tower, have dinner with her team, so Steve must have talked to her.

 

“I don’t know why you keep avoiding Tony and frankly I don’t care.” Nat’s still always the one to speak the hard truths, but this time he just can’t listen to her advice, still he doesn’t interrupt her.

“Tony and Steve, they are the real deal, so if you want to stay a part of your best friends life, you have to get your head out of your ass and deal with it. And don’t give me that bull shit about you feeling guilty, we both know it’s crap!”

 

“Partly, it is, yes, but not completely. When I joined the team, Steve and you both told me that I could trust you all to always have my back and that you’d be trusting me to do the same…and I do feel guilty, but not in the way you’d might expect.”

 

He turns around and pulls her into his arms. Her hair smells like apple and he inhales deeply.

 

Natasha’s gaze is piercing and curious as she answers him.

“Yes, I remember. That hasn’t changed and it never will.”

 

Bucky bites his lip and leans his forehead against her’s.

“I just don’t know, if I can live in the same building as him, maybe even become his friend and just continue to lie to him.”

 

“Why do you have to lie to him? What? Did you also kill his puppy back in the day?”

 

If there is anyone on this planet that he can tell why he’s being so stubborn about this, it’s her. He looks into her eyes for a long moment and then he tells her.

 

Natasha’s reaction is exactly what he expected it to be and in a way it feels good to know he did make the right choice.

 

“We’re never talking about this again!” She orders voice hard and he nods. “And we keep looking for a place of our own. Clint’s going to be disappointed that our midnight snack adventures won’t continue, but he’ll get over it.”

 

“Thanks, Tasha.” He whisper, before kissing her softly.

 

“No need for that, baby,” she says after the kiss. “If you need to talk, you know I’m here for you, just this…this has to be forgotten…forever.”

 

“It will be.”

 

 

**********

 

_17 December 1991_

_Forrest Park, Long Island_

_The Wintersoldier is following the trail to his next mission._

_This time it’s different. He’s got a job to do and his target is almost within reach, but something is different._

_In his hazy memories there’s a lot of screaming and people (bad people, that’s what they said, they are all bad!) pleading for their lives, but normally that doesn’t start before he’s in front of them._

_Yet, he hears the scream of a woman, when he’s still a few yards away. It’s cut of abruptly and he runs a bit faster._

_He doesn’t know why, he just feels the need to._

_As he reaches the clearing the sight before him, makes him hesitate and he stops behind a large oak._

_At least now he’s sure his target is a bad person._

_The man he’s supposed to kill is standing over the body of his wife. Her eyes are open and her lips are blue, the beginning of bruises are starting to form around her neck._

_Another man, also tall but with brown hair is running towards them. As he arrives, he kneels down next to the dead woman and tries to resuscitate her, which clearly isn’t working._

_The other man, who is swaying slightly, is just standing there staring at his wife. The assassin could believe that he’s in shock, if he wasn’t holding a nearly empty vodka bottle._

_“You killed her!” the brown haired man is screaming in anger. “You murdered your wife, Stark, how could you?”_

_He’s in the process of standing up, as Stark hits him over the head with the bottle and keeps hitting him._

_The Wintersoldier has seen enough and he steps out from behind the tree line._

_Howard Stark doesn’t see him coming._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope, at least some of you liked this.  
> Sorry, if you found a lot of mistakes, but I don't have a beta.


End file.
